1
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:04,372
Excuse me, ma'am?

2
00:00:04,405 --> 00:00:05,573
Ma'am?

3
00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:07,308
Well, it happened.

4
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:09,577
I'm gonna hit a kid.

5
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:11,245
Would you like to support
my baseball league

6
00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:12,580
for underprivileged youth?

7
00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:14,148
I don't see
an underprivileged youth.

8
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:16,550
I see a young me
trying to scam an old me.

9
00:00:17,418 --> 00:00:18,552
Sir?

10
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:22,156
I'm sorry,
I have diabetes.

11
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:26,160
And I'm not stupid.

12
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:28,162
Move it along.

13
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:29,997
It's not a scam!

14
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,465
My friends and I
just want to place

15
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:33,201
to play baseball
after school

16
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:36,404
so we're not hanging
on the streets like rap people.

17
00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:39,140
Kid, I started
the candy scam.

18
00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:42,843
I raised $500
for a homeless bowling league,

19
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:45,679
AKA pot.

20
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,081
Catch this,
Mr. Baseball.

21
00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:49,150
Not the face!

22
00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,552
I think I know
which team you play on,

23
00:00:51,585 --> 00:00:53,854
and it ain't baseball.

24
00:00:53,887 --> 00:00:56,357
(Peter Bjorn and John)
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

25
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,558
[cash register bell dings]

26
00:00:57,591 --> 00:01:01,729
* Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

27
00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,304
You still shopping on your phone
for things you can't afford?

28
00:01:10,338 --> 00:01:12,773
Who are you?
Everyone in America?

29
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:15,176
I just add things
to my cart without buying them.

30
00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:18,646
Why not buy one Apple watch
when I can not buy two?

31
00:01:18,679 --> 00:01:20,348
It's called
dry shopping.

32
00:01:20,381 --> 00:01:24,185
So it's like dry humping,
but you don't get anything?

33
00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:25,786
I'm sorry, Max,

34
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,389
but tomorrow's the anniversary
of when I lost my money

35
00:01:28,422 --> 00:01:30,591
and my peaches-and-cream
complexion.

36
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,194
Not my words;
"Seventeen" magazine's.

37
00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:34,728
I need a fantasy life.

38
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:37,131
I mean, I just thought
you were over all that junk.

39
00:01:37,165 --> 00:01:39,333
You thought I was "over"
losing $5 billion

40
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:40,534
and my whole life?

41
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:41,535
Oh.

42
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:42,603
I guess I was just over you

43
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,472
talking about it all the time.

44
00:01:44,505 --> 00:01:46,540
You need to let go
of your past.

45
00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:50,110
Pickup!
Turkey burger...ish.

46
00:01:52,646 --> 00:01:56,284
If you weren't so busy
not buying a...

47
00:01:56,317 --> 00:02:00,354
three-bedroom townhouse
on the Upper East Side,

48
00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:03,757
you would've noticed that
Mr. Turkey Burger at table ten's

49
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,826
been checking out
your buns.

50
00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:08,329
He is not.
He is?

51
00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:10,698
[chuckles]

52
00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,833
Get in there.

53
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,535
Sex is still free...

54
00:02:14,568 --> 00:02:15,769
[clicks tongue]

55
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,338
For women.

56
00:02:18,872 --> 00:02:20,641
Fine, I'll go over there,

57
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,276
but this better not
be a prank,

58
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:24,412
like when you told me
Bette Midler was at table three

59
00:02:24,445 --> 00:02:26,914
and really wanted to meet me.

60
00:02:26,947 --> 00:02:29,183
It was just
some old Jewish lady,

61
00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:31,519
and she was mean.

62
00:02:31,552 --> 00:02:33,687
That was Bette Midler!

63
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:37,124
Here's your turkey burger.

64
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,692
My friend thinks
you're flirting with me,

65
00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:40,194
and you're obviously not,

66
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,662
so if you could just tell her
you're not,

67
00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:42,663
that'd be great.

68
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,198
[laughing]
Okay.

69
00:02:44,232 --> 00:02:45,466
I will tell her I am not
flirting with you...

70
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:46,734
on one condition.

71
00:02:46,767 --> 00:02:48,269
You go see a show with me
tomorrow.

72
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:51,539
I feel tricked.

73
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,274
So...is that a yes?

74
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:54,208
I hope so,

75
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,844
because I already
wrote down my number.

76
00:02:56,877 --> 00:02:59,213
Um...yeah, sure.

77
00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:01,215
I mean, if it's already
written down,

78
00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,850
I guess I have to go.

79
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,288
I can't believe I didn't notice
he was flirting.

80
00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:08,689
What's wrong with me?

81
00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:10,391
Let me get my list.

82
00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:13,261
Hi, everybody!

83
00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:16,697
Good news!

84
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,732
Oleg and I
are getting a surrogate

85
00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,901
to carry our baby.

86
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:23,437
Yeah, doing it the other way
was taking longer

87
00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:27,675
than my stuttering uncle did
to finish his s-s-s-sentence.

88
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,711
Sophie, I hope
you're not thinking of me

89
00:03:30,744 --> 00:03:31,712
to be your surrogate.

90
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:32,980
Just keep in mind,

91
00:03:33,013 --> 00:03:35,015
you won't even let me
carry your purse.

92
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:39,219
You think I'd hire a surrogate
that's older than me?

93
00:03:41,422 --> 00:03:42,590
Come on. No.

94
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:43,991
Max is helping me
interview people

95
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:45,726
this week in my booth.

96
00:03:45,759 --> 00:03:47,261
This is so exciting.

97
00:03:47,295 --> 00:03:49,930
I wish I got to pick
the person I grew inside.

98
00:03:49,963 --> 00:03:52,266
My mom drank so much
during her pregnancy,

99
00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,634
I was born wearing a shirt
that says,

100
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:55,803
"It's 5:00 somewhere."

101
00:03:55,836 --> 00:04:00,007
*

102
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:02,343
[clears throat, coughs]

103
00:04:02,376 --> 00:04:04,845
Can we all just admit
vaping is smoking?

104
00:04:06,514 --> 00:04:09,483
Anyway, I'm on the list
for whatever this is.

105
00:04:09,517 --> 00:04:10,684
Channing, Caroline.

106
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,820
There you are.
The show's $20.

107
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:14,922
My date put me on the list.

108
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,357
I'm sure he paid for me.

109
00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,493
He kind of pursued me
pretty hard.

110
00:04:19,527 --> 00:04:21,695
It is, again, a date.

111
00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:25,399
Well, then
you're dating a loser...

112
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,901
and you owe me 20 bucks.

113
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:30,804
What am I spending my last
$20 on right now?

114
00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:32,306
It's a storytelling show.

115
00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,308
People telling
their personal stories.

116
00:04:34,342 --> 00:04:36,677
It's basically
a fun way to find out

117
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,512
which one of your friends
had a stepfather

118
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:41,415
that was so mean.

119
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:45,052
In lieu of cash,
would you accept a tampon?

120
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:48,456
I have light, regular, super.

121
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,824
Everything you don't feel
on your period.

122
00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:52,326
[laughs]

123
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,462
There is nothing funny
about my cramps.

124
00:04:56,497 --> 00:05:00,568
I don't get out of bed
three days a month.

125
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,103
I'll go call a friend.

126
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,305
*

127
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,744
So by now
I was in high school.

128
00:05:10,778 --> 00:05:13,681
But just when I thought
I'd escaped my bullies,

129
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:17,585
I met the worst one yet:
puberty.

130
00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:20,888
Oh, god.

131
00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:22,823
Thanks for bringing
the $20, Max,

132
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,958
and sorry you had to spend
another $20.

133
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,428
It figures, on the anniversary
of my father stealing money,

134
00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:29,897
I get ripped off
by another guy.

135
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:32,600
Well, I'm getting
that $40 back.

136
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:36,737
I spent more money tonight
than I did in 2013.

137
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:38,972
It was a high school dance,

138
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:42,443
and Rachel Mooney,
a popular girl,

139
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,112
pulled down my pants.

140
00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,514
That's right.

141
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,449
I got dance-pantsed.

142
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,452
Oh, this guy
just went from Tom Cruise

143
00:05:51,485 --> 00:05:53,721
to Tom Snooze.

144
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:55,155
(Adam)
In the end,
what I learned

145
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:58,392
is that I'm the painter
of my life,

146
00:05:58,426 --> 00:06:01,995
and I can paint out
what I don't want to see.

147
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:03,864
My brushes are mine.

148
00:06:03,897 --> 00:06:07,401
My strokes are mine.

149
00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,904
Guess what's not
getting stroked tonight.

150
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,644
Old Adam's paintbrush.

151
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:20,914
[light applause]

152
00:06:20,948 --> 00:06:23,484
That's got to be sarcastic
applauding, right?

153
00:06:23,517 --> 00:06:25,553
'Cause I feel like I heard,
like, a question mark

154
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:26,920
at the end of the clap.

155
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:29,623
Thank you,
Adam August.

156
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,924
That is the end
of our show.

157
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,493
I'd like to thank
all of our performers.

158
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:38,398
You live the stories
that we live to hear.

159
00:06:39,467 --> 00:06:40,434
Hey, Caroline.

160
00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:44,404
I know,
that was pretty real.

161
00:06:45,539 --> 00:06:47,641
It was real long.

162
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:48,942
So where are we going
for dinner?

163
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,978
Your treat,
and she's coming.

164
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:54,915
Actually,
I'm pretty spent emotionally.

165
00:06:54,948 --> 00:06:59,086
Well, we're spent
forty-dollars-ally.

166
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,055
It's just one of
those nights where...

167
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:03,891
you leave it all
on the stage.

168
00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,529
You happen to leave
a couple twenties up there?

169
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:10,464
Let--let me get
something straight.

170
00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:14,067
You gave all of yourself
talking about a couple bullies?

171
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,470
That's not a rough life.
You know that, right?

172
00:07:16,504 --> 00:07:19,473
Well, I know
I'm entitled to my truths

173
00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:22,209
and how my truths
make me feel.

174
00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:25,546
Yeah, but it's not like
you lost a billion dollars

175
00:07:25,579 --> 00:07:28,549
and your father went to prison
and you had to move in with me.

176
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:32,252
And I am a way bigger bully
than Rachel Mooney.

177
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:35,122
Caroline has a rough story.

178
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:38,559
Again, we can't
compare our truths.

179
00:07:38,592 --> 00:07:41,495
I'm sorry, but did all that
really happen to you?

180
00:07:41,529 --> 00:07:42,830
You lost billions?

181
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,565
Five years ago today,
in fact.

182
00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:48,268
And with what I lost tonight,
$5 billion, $40.

183
00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:49,903
Well, have you ever
considered

184
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:52,239
telling your story
in a safe space?

185
00:07:52,272 --> 00:07:54,708
You mean one of those locations
where you can drop off a baby,

186
00:07:54,742 --> 00:07:57,110
no questions asked?

187
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:59,279
N--no.
No.

188
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,748
No, I mean here.

189
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:01,982
Telling your story here.

190
00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:03,517
Hey,
you know what?

191
00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,886
I probably have some fans
waiting for me outside,

192
00:08:05,919 --> 00:08:08,656
so I will leave you be.

193
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,157
You're still here?

194
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:15,128
Thanks for the offer,
but I'm not really a writer.

195
00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:18,932
Or a person who would
come here twice.

196
00:08:18,966 --> 00:08:21,201
Plus, I'm trying
to put my story behind me.

197
00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,636
All right.
Well, think about it.

198
00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,538
It pays $50.
Here's my card.

199
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,739
You work at Avis?

200
00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,007
Oh, uh--
ooh.

201
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,676
That's my other job.

202
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:31,612
And remember,
you have a story to tell.

203
00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:34,014
And sometimes renting a car
is actually cheaper

204
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:35,983
than a long-term lease,
so...

205
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:39,620
I think you should
totally do this.

206
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:42,055
To finally tell my story
and give it closure?

207
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:46,026
Yeah, a little of that,
but mostly the 50 bucks.

208
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:48,796
*

209
00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,798
I'm here for
the surrogacy interview.

210
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:53,166
Max, we got another
baby mama.

211
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,769
Look at all these woman
trying to get pregnant.

212
00:08:55,803 --> 00:08:58,538
It's like NBA All-Star Weekend.

213
00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:01,909
Here's my resume,
and do you validate?

214
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:06,680
I've never been validated,
so you're not getting validated.

215
00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:08,982
But I am impressed
you have a car,

216
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:10,550
so have a seat.

217
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:15,322
Max, I've been working
on my life story for the show.

218
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:18,659
"As a little girl,
I dreamt of being a princess.

219
00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,929
"It wasn't until I lost
everything that I realized...

220
00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:24,698
that's what I'd already been."

221
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:27,668
What else you got?

222
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,703
Come on, Max,
this is important.

223
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,805
I've never told the story
about the day I lost my money,

224
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,874
so it's all very raw.

225
00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:35,075
Okay, but just know,

226
00:09:35,108 --> 00:09:36,744
sometimes things
can be too raw,

227
00:09:36,777 --> 00:09:38,345
like that chicken
club sandwich that

228
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:40,714
buck-kaw'd
at the table.

229
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:43,617
Looks like my appearance

230
00:09:43,651 --> 00:09:45,953
on the Brooklyn
Small Business podcast

231
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,088
really paid off!

232
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,857
These aren't customers, silly.

233
00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:52,693
These are just women that will
do literally anything for money.

234
00:09:52,726 --> 00:09:55,829
Will any of them
wait tables?

235
00:09:55,863 --> 00:09:57,364
Han, can I go work
in your office?

236
00:09:57,397 --> 00:09:58,999
I just need to write
my life story.

237
00:09:59,032 --> 00:10:01,101
I promise I won't
play with your Legos.

238
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,103
You mean those
little plastic men

239
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,605
protecting his virginity?

240
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,712
Sophie, ready to meet
the next potential surrogate?

241
00:10:11,745 --> 00:10:14,748
Oh, well, the lady
in stall two is out.

242
00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:18,151
Yeah, I just heard
her balls hit the water.

243
00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,289
Where is Oleg?

244
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,158
Sorry, I was watching
a YouTube video

245
00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:26,760
on how to make spaghetti.

246
00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,362
Boy, I was way off.

247
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:32,866
Uh, Sophie?

248
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,334
This is Claire.

249
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:37,771
You liked that her application
was filled out in pink pen.

250
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:40,273
Do you mind if I sit down?

251
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:42,009
My back is killing me.

252
00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,679
Yeah, well, your front
is killing me.

253
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:48,448
I mean, what the hell?

254
00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:50,684
I don't know
if you're aware of this,

255
00:10:50,718 --> 00:10:53,086
but your "No Vacancy" sign
is flashing.

256
00:10:54,187 --> 00:10:56,156
Yes, but once I give this gift

257
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,159
to a lovely same-sex
couple in Tribeca,

258
00:10:59,192 --> 00:11:02,095
I would love to carry
your gift into the world.

259
00:11:02,129 --> 00:11:05,165
I've been a surrogate
12 times.

260
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,900
What are you?

261
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:09,336
A baby PEZ dispenser?

262
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,840
What do you get after 12?
A free sub?

263
00:11:12,873 --> 00:11:14,207
Next!

264
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:17,444
Pregnant 12 times?

265
00:11:17,477 --> 00:11:20,781
Must be like saloon doors
down there.

266
00:11:20,814 --> 00:11:22,382
I don't know.

267
00:11:22,415 --> 00:11:24,785
Are you sure you can't spend
more than $200 on this thing?

268
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,787
Because I feel like
it's reflecting

269
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,056
in the pool of candidates.

270
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:32,125
*

271
00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:35,128
Which one says,
"Just because I'm at my bottom

272
00:11:35,162 --> 00:11:37,464
doesn't mean I can't wear
a nice top"?

273
00:11:37,497 --> 00:11:40,834
Even your shirts
talk too much.

274
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,804
Max can you be serious?

275
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:45,505
No, but you sure can.

276
00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:49,509
I read your story,
and it is supes serious,

277
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:51,745
so I took the liberty
of putting some jokes in.

278
00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,747
I mean, "Schindler's List"
was depressing,

279
00:11:53,781 --> 00:11:55,816
but at least
there were still jokes.

280
00:11:55,849 --> 00:11:58,819
You changed my life story?

281
00:11:58,852 --> 00:12:01,421
You got mustard
on my life story?

282
00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:04,224
I added a few riffs
and had a hot dog.

283
00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:06,894
I think your story is really,
really sad,

284
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,362
and it's gonna bum people out,
and that's gonna bum you out,

285
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,364
and that's gonna bum me out.

286
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:14,234
Well, as I said
to Mrs. Shearson,

287
00:12:14,267 --> 00:12:16,103
who directed me in "Cabaret,"

288
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:17,871
I don't know how
I could be much better,

289
00:12:17,905 --> 00:12:20,107
but I'm open to your ideas.

290
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,910
All right, let me hear
some of your funnies.

291
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:24,111
All right, first of all,

292
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,445
we're gonna sit Han
in the front row,

293
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:27,114
and you're gonna say,

294
00:12:27,147 --> 00:12:31,785
"I'm gonna keep this short,
'cause this guy did."

295
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:36,256
Hold for what I have to imagine
is a five- to ten-minute laugh.

296
00:12:36,289 --> 00:12:38,859
Okay, all through
this first section,

297
00:12:38,892 --> 00:12:41,161
you're driving
right through Snoresville,

298
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:44,865
and then you take a slight right
into Who-gives-a-crap-town.

299
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:48,936
The point is you're driving
a 2016 Ford Bore-us.

300
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,270
All right, fine.

301
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:51,872
I'll put some of your jokes in.

302
00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:54,407
Oh, but I don't want
to attack Anne Hathaway.

303
00:12:54,441 --> 00:12:56,944
Hasn't she been through enough?

304
00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:58,912
*

305
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:01,281
And after it was all
said and done,

306
00:13:01,314 --> 00:13:03,783
I looked at my vagina...

307
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:08,288
And my vagina
looked at me,

308
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:11,491
and we shared
a knowing glance.

309
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:16,864
It was as if she was giving me
permission to tell her story.

310
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:21,068
Thank you, vagina.

311
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:24,037
And thank you
for listening.

312
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,940
[applause]

313
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,508
I never thought
I could get tired

314
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,343
of hearing the word
"vagina,"

315
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:32,946
and yet, here I am.

316
00:13:34,214 --> 00:13:36,449
Hey, tips are
kind of low, huh?

317
00:13:36,483 --> 00:13:40,854
How'd you like to make $200,
possibly $250, to have my baby?

318
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:43,190
What?

319
00:13:43,223 --> 00:13:45,993
You carry stuff anyway.

320
00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,260
Just as well.

321
00:13:47,294 --> 00:13:50,497
I didn't want our baby
to have that hair color.

322
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,866
Where's that waitress going?

323
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,067
I need a double.

324
00:13:54,101 --> 00:13:55,268
A double what?

325
00:13:55,302 --> 00:13:57,237
Double anything.

326
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,873
How's everyone doing out there?

327
00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:02,609
Isn't this a wonderful way
to spend a Friday night?

328
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:03,877
Hmm?

329
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:05,078
I'm up next.

330
00:14:05,112 --> 00:14:08,648
On a scale of 9 to 10,
how do I look?

331
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,350
You look beautiful,

332
00:14:10,383 --> 00:14:11,885
so they're gonna
be really surprised

333
00:14:11,919 --> 00:14:13,486
when you have jokes.

334
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:16,957
And our next storyteller
is here for the first time,

335
00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:20,894
reading a tale so epic
that it should be two tales.

336
00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:23,630
And like the two-tailed
Melusina,

337
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:27,000
a serpent of European
folklore...

338
00:14:28,035 --> 00:14:29,669
She is truly a beauty.

339
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:34,674
What in good God
is that man talking about?

340
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:39,246
Please welcome
Caroline Channing.

341
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:42,582
[applause, snaps]

342
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:46,286
As he said, my name
is Caroline Channing.

343
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:49,056
That used to mean
something special,

344
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:52,159
and I have learned
through the past few years

345
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,527
that it still does.

346
00:14:54,561 --> 00:14:56,529
My father was Martin Channing,

347
00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,431
the most hated man
in New York City.

348
00:14:58,465 --> 00:15:01,901
Except for any
Time Warner Cable guy...

349
00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:05,405
You know what?

350
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,007
I don't need to look at this.

351
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:08,175
I know what happened.

352
00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,609
I'll never forget it.

353
00:15:09,642 --> 00:15:12,445
You don't forget the day
that you lose yourself.

354
00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,015
[groaning]
Oh, boy.

355
00:15:15,048 --> 00:15:17,017
She's off script.

356
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:19,186
She's gone rogue.

357
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,720
Where's that waitress?

358
00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:23,056
Double his double!

359
00:15:23,090 --> 00:15:24,657
*

360
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,497
As my driver drove
down 5th Avenue

361
00:15:30,530 --> 00:15:32,432
and up to my townhouse,

362
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:35,435
I saw there was
a police car parked out front.

363
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:39,306
And at first, I thought,
"Am I being arrested?"

364
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:42,509
Lip-synching to Ludacris
at a stoplight!

365
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:46,446
But it was my father
being arrested.

366
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:50,350
I saw my father in handcuffs.

367
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:54,254
There, in that instant,

368
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,257
I went from princess
to pariah.

369
00:15:57,290 --> 00:15:58,458
[scoffs]

370
00:15:58,491 --> 00:16:00,327
Well, she threw away
a perfectly good

371
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,262
"Pariah Carey" joke.

372
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,097
Shh!

373
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,067
Just looking out
for my girl here.

374
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:08,668
(both)
Shh!

375
00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:13,640
My perfect world
was shattered.

376
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:17,077
I saw the man who I trusted,

377
00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:20,213
who I believed in
more than anyone,

378
00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:23,616
who read me bedtime stories

379
00:16:23,650 --> 00:16:26,753
and taught me how to tie
my shoes with bunny ears...

380
00:16:26,786 --> 00:16:29,556
I saw my father in handcuffs.

381
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,092
He stole my trust,

382
00:16:32,125 --> 00:16:34,127
my belief in people,

383
00:16:34,161 --> 00:16:35,128
my innocence.

384
00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:39,299
If she doesn't say "virginity,"
I am leaving.

385
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:42,269
He stole who I thought I was

386
00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:47,240
and left me to find
who I really am.

387
00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:49,476
Thank you.

388
00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:52,812
Nothing?

389
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:53,713
[scoffs]

390
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,049
We got to sneak her
out the back door.

391
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:59,018
[applause]

392
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:11,131
You were so sad
and triumphant

393
00:17:11,164 --> 00:17:12,132
and...so...

394
00:17:12,165 --> 00:17:13,333
[sobs]

395
00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:15,202
Oh, here come the waterworks!

396
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,536
[sobbing]

397
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,438
Caroline,

398
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,208
I know you said
you never would,

399
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,043
but you touched me.

400
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:28,548
That really tugged
at my heartstrings...

401
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,150
or cables or wires

402
00:17:30,183 --> 00:17:32,752
or whatever's in here
keeping me alive.

403
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,755
[moaning]
Caroline...

404
00:17:35,788 --> 00:17:39,826
Oh, you know what
you and I both need?

405
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:42,429
A hug. Yeah.

406
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:44,063
Oh...

407
00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:50,203
It's nice, isn't it?

408
00:17:51,404 --> 00:17:53,173
Caroline,
that was great!

409
00:17:53,206 --> 00:17:57,310
I'm so glad I inspired you
with my awesome story.

410
00:17:57,344 --> 00:17:58,478
You're still here?

411
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,847
[scoffs]

412
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,450
I'm sorry I didn't
do your jokes, Max.

413
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:04,451
You know what?

414
00:18:04,484 --> 00:18:05,718
You didn't need them!

415
00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:08,121
I think people sometimes
like to be sad.

416
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:10,223
That's why there's Adele.

417
00:18:11,424 --> 00:18:13,626
I think I finally
got closure.

418
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,128
It's gone, Max.

419
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,197
Love you.

420
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:18,398
Love your story.

421
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:19,599
Thanks.

422
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:20,867
I'm Nina Spiegel.

423
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:22,735
I found the whole thing
riveting.

424
00:18:22,769 --> 00:18:25,272
The ups, the downs,
the way-downs.

425
00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,474
Ugh, your story had it all.

426
00:18:27,507 --> 00:18:29,776
She's not joining
your threesome.

427
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,645
Sorry, that's usually
what women want

428
00:18:32,679 --> 00:18:34,347
when they compliment me.

429
00:18:34,381 --> 00:18:37,484
Look, I'd like to talk about
taking this to my studio.

430
00:18:37,517 --> 00:18:40,787
You have your own
studio apartment?

431
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,223
Let the wooing continue.

432
00:18:43,256 --> 00:18:45,258
No, it's a film studio.

433
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,493
Warner Brothers.

434
00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,662
The Tasmanian Devil
Warner Brothers?

435
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:54,367
I think we can turn your story
into a movie.

436
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:55,902
Really?

437
00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,570
The Caroline Channing story

438
00:18:57,604 --> 00:18:59,372
deserves to live
on the big screen

439
00:18:59,406 --> 00:19:01,508
for one to two weeks.

440
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,311
Then On Demand
for eternity.

441
00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,713
Oh, my God.

442
00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,316
Max, isn't this exciting?

443
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:10,383
I know!

444
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:13,320
They have Speedy Gonzalez too!

445
00:19:13,353 --> 00:19:17,590
*

446
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,259
I'm still on hold, Max.

447
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,693
I know Nina's important,

448
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,729
because her assistant
has put me on hold six times

449
00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,531
and muted me twice.

450
00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,300
Muting you's an option?

451
00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:29,869
Why wouldn't they
put that in your manual?

452
00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:30,870
Hi!

453
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:32,272
Oh, are you kidding?

454
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,873
I love waiting.

455
00:19:35,308 --> 00:19:38,278
Sophie, here's
your consolation gnocchi,

456
00:19:38,311 --> 00:19:41,314
for not finding somebody
to get gn-knocked up.

457
00:19:41,348 --> 00:19:44,217
Oh, thanks, Oleg.

458
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:48,721
Well, at least I have you.

459
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,224
You know what, Sophie?

460
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,692
I'll be the surrogate,

461
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:54,761
but if my pregnancy boobs
knock over a street lamp,

462
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:56,296
that's on your insurance.

463
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,431
That's real nice of you, Max,

464
00:19:58,465 --> 00:20:02,001
but if there's anything that
I learned from Caroline's story,

465
00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:07,006
it's that you can't give up,
even if you should.

466
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,575
Oh, so you're gonna
keep trying?

467
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:10,343
No, we're gonna adopt,

468
00:20:10,377 --> 00:20:13,012
and we will cherish
this little baby,

469
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,382
even if it's not
technically from us.

470
00:20:15,415 --> 00:20:16,716
Yeah, Oleg's right.

471
00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:19,986
I mean, half my hair's
not from me,

472
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:24,657
but I love it just as much
as if it were.

473
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:28,728
They are flying me
to Hollywood!

474
00:20:28,761 --> 00:20:30,029
They wan to bring me out
first class

475
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,464
for a meet-and-greet.

476
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,632
But I told them no.

477
00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,467
Are you crazy?

478
00:20:34,501 --> 00:20:36,002
You can't pass up
a meet-and-greet.

479
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,670
You can't pass up
any kind of meat.

480
00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:39,339
You're anemic.

481
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:41,608
I switched the tickets
for two coach seats.

482
00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:42,775
I want you to come with me!

483
00:20:42,809 --> 00:20:44,377
Who needs to lie flat

484
00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,012
when I can be squished
between my best friend

485
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:49,416
and an obese rabbi in row 36?

486
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,284
We're going to Hollywood!

487
00:20:51,318 --> 00:20:56,255
*